I Cannot Think of my Handicapped Daughter as Precious; Son, Daughter Without Disabilities Are ‘Adorable’

The Yomiuri Shimbun

12:00 JST, November 24, 2024

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a mother in my early 40s with three children ranging from elementary school to high school age. My husband has been working overseas on his own for many years. He returns home once or twice a year.

Our older daughter, a junior high school student, has a severe intellectual disability. She is unable to take care of herself, so I have to help her with everything, including using the bathroom and bathing. She is very particular about things and often gets angry suddenly or screams nonstop for a long time.

I don’t know when it happened, but I started not thinking about her as precious to me. I sometimes even wish she would go away.

Parents of children with disabilities seem strong, and at school it feels like there are many parents of such kids who want to protect their children. I, on the other hand, don’t know what to think or what to do with my older daughter in the future.

My son, who is in high school, and my younger daughter, an elementary school student, have no disabilities, and they’re so adorable.

— A, location withheld

Dear Ms. A:

Your older daughter, who is in junior high school, has a severe intellectual disability, and you are taking care of all her needs on your own. Your daughter often cannot control her emotions, which is very difficult for you to handle. Your husband is working overseas, so you cannot rely on him.

I can fully understand the sense of isolation and anxiety for the future that you have.

You think of your other two children as adorable and blame yourself for being unable to love all three equally. But it’s not without reason. Love does not have to take an equal form. You should be proud of yourself for battling so hard to take care of your older daughter.

The presence of your son and younger daughter will be a great source of motivation for you to do your best. Like many other families with disabled children, you may not be able to give enough time and attention to the other siblings. But it would be wonderful if you could express a lot of love and appreciation for them through words and physical contact.

To reduce your own physical and mental strain, you might think about relying more on school and services without looking too much for perfection.

Parents of children with disabilities may seem strong, but I’m sure that many of them suffer from the same anxieties and dilemmas as you. I hope you can find a place where you can become vulnerable and express your true feelings, someone to complain to or something like a parents’ group.

I hope you will share your current situation with your husband so that you can rely on him when he returns home. I’m rooting for you.

— Naoki Ogi, education commentator