I’m Tired of My Mother’s Self-Centered, Abusive Behavior

The Yomiuri Shimbun

12:26 JST, December 14, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a civil servant in my 50s. My mother, who is in her 80s, is a constant source of trouble for me, and I’m struggling with how to manage my relationship with her.

My mother and father, who are the same age, live together in the next town over. When my children were in elementary school, my mother used to visit us daily to look after them, as my husband and I both work.

Consequently, even with the children being adults, we still invite their grandparents on trips, and the children frequently visit their grandparents’ house.

However, my mother has always been self-centered and treats people with a condescending attitude.

She sees her values as the ultimate truth, so there’s no point in trying to change her.

When there’s something she doesn’t agree with, she’ll launch into a one-sided tirade over the phone.

What’s more, she uses a spare key to enter our home unannounced — without even ringing the bell — and vents her frustrations on my husband, shouting: “Who’s been taking care of your children? Who do you have to thank for your dual income?” She even insults his parents. My husband and I constantly fight because of her.

Do I have to continue being involved with my mother if she’s going to be like this?

— G, Kanagawa Prefecture

Dear Ms. G:

Regardless of how helpful she has been or the fact that she is family, you don’t have to put up with someone who is verbally abusive. You shouldn’t feel guilty about cutting contact.

Ideally, your father could step in, but he is likely a mild-mannered man who is unable to stop your mother. It also seems unlikely he could change her mind, considering their stage in life.

Given the situation, I would advise you to temporarily sever ties with your mother for the sake of your immediate family.

Be prepared to take firm action: Change your locks, hang up on her and tell her explicitly, “Do not come over.”

You may face even more verbal abuse than you did in the past. Nevertheless, you mustn’t compromise; just ignore her. Eventually, your mother will lose steam.

I don’t know how long it will take, but once things calm down, you should apologize by way of your father and float the idea of reconciling.

If you do that, given her age, I believe you will be able to go back to having a positive relationship.

— Masahiro Yamada, university professor