My Mother’s Verbal Abuse Since Childhood Still Causes Me Inner Conflict

The Yomiuri Shimbun

15:01 JST, March 15, 2026

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a homemaker in my 50s. Ever since I was carried on the back of my mother, who is now in her 80s, I was constantly told, “Because you were born, I couldn’t do the things I wanted to do.”

My parents had difficulties in their marriage when I was growing up, so my mother always told me bad things about my father.

Although I couldn’t become the kind of daughter my mother had desired — one praised by others — I tried hard not to be selfish, considering my family’s financial circumstances. Even now, I have no self-esteem at all, and when I talk with other people, I feel sorry for making them speak with someone like me.

My father never spoke ill of my mother to me. When I took my feelings out on him before he died, he simply said, “I’m sorry.” That allowed me to be able to be with him in his last days.

However, I’ve tried several times to express my feelings to my mother, but she only defends herself and makes excuses. So I’ve given up on her.

Now, my mother is always complaining, saying things like, “We’re mother and daughter, so why can’t we understand each other like other mothers and daughters?” Every time we meet, my mother vents her frustrations, and it’s painful to me.

I want to keep my support for my mother in her daily life to a minimum, but I don’t want to put the burden on my younger brother alone. What should I do?

Z, Gunma Prefecture

Dear Ms. Z:

You’ve been exposed to your mother’s negative words. I can only imagine how painful that must be. It’s perfectly understandable that you don’t want to hear those words anymore.

Maybe you don’t need to force yourself into a painful situation, thinking it’s inevitable because your mother is elderly. Caregiving isn’t something you should bear while enduring constant verbal abuse and breaking your own spirit.

It’s entirely possible for children to take care of their parents without being too involved. You can make use of public systems and services from professionals. There are many levels of involvement in nursing care — making arrangements for moving her into a facility or setting up home-visit care, talking to her care manager or focusing solely on being the liaison.

Seeking help from others is not running away from nursing care for your mother. You should consider how to care for your mother without damaging your own mental health, through such means as entrusting tasks to those who can handle them. How about discussing this issue with your brother?

Please let go of any guilt you may feel for not looking after your mother on your own and focus on taking care of yourself. It is not selfish to live in a way that protects your well-being.

I hope that you will be able to live your own life, without being ruined by the verbal abuse you endured from your mother.

Junko Umihara, psychologist