My Son is Crazy about His Girlfriend, Who is Very Presumptuous

The Yomiuri Shimbun

12:17 JST, February 9, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a teacher in my 50s. My son, a graduate student who lives alone, began dating a working woman about a year ago. I liked her when he introduced her to me and my husband.

My son asked me to give her one of the extra keys to his apartment, so I did, thinking that she would visit him every now and again.

When I visited my son the other day, though, I found out that she has been frequently using the apartment, which is in a good location, even when my son is not there.

There were shelves with her cosmetics and clothes on them. She was even doing her laundry there, which I found to be quite presumptuous.

I also saw her period products sitting openly in the bathroom, even though she knew I would be visiting. I found it to be uncouth.

We pay our son’s rent and living expenses, but she doesn’t share any of the expenses at all. Her behavior has made me worry about my son’s future.

However, he is crazy about her. How can I discuss this with him?

Y, Fukushima Prefecture

Dear Ms. Y:

I believe it’s because you want to help your son devote himself to his studies and research at graduate school that you and your husband are renting an apartment for him and paying not only his rent but also his living expenses and perhaps the utilities.

It must be uncomfortable for you to see his girlfriend treating the apartment as if she were his roommate. If you feel uncomfortable about the situation, I think you should tell her clearly to cut it out. Take the extra key back and tell her you didn’t mean to allow her to go that far.

Even if she offers to pay part of the rent, you can refuse. Just tell her that you are not renting the apartment for your son to live with someone else. I think it’s a matter of decency.

If your son and his girlfriend are unhappy about that, they should rent a new place and live on their own. I believe they can do that, given that she has a job. Your son can also start working part-time.

I think you will be able to tell how serious they are about each other by the way they respond.

By the way, when you talk to your son, don’t criticize her personality and behavior. Keep in mind that the problem lies with your son, as he is financially dependent on his parents yet continues to act indifferent to their feelings.

Yoko Sanuki, lawyer