I Struggle to Look after My Parents, Take Care of My Husband’s Home-Grown Vegetables; Family Indifferent, Do Not Help

The Yomiuri Shimbun

12:30 JST, January 26, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a woman in my early 60s. I quit my job to look after my parents. My father is almost fully bedridden, and my mother has severe dementia.

I’m the only one in my family looking after my parents. I can’t leave the house except for short trips to shops. I don’t sleep on a futon. Instead, I use a sofa close to my parents because I have to help them go to the bathroom at night.

My husband and our two daughters are indifferent and do not help me.

My husband likes growing vegetables and even bought a tiller. He goes out early in the morning on his days off and brings home lots of vegetables.

I’m not good at cooking, and it’s a pain to wash and cook all the vegetables he brings back so that nothing goes to waste. Our daughters don’t eat many vegetables, and even though I give them away to people I know, there are still too many.

I asked my husband to reduce the number of vegetables he brings home, but he doesn’t listen. He insists that he’ll eat them if they’re cooked.

I’m exhausted. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life looking after my parents and handling vegetables. How can I live a happier life?

— R, Kanagawa Prefecture

Dear Ms. R:

I would want to slap your husband and daughters in the face if they were standing in front of me. You are a wife and a mother. You don’t have to listen to everything they say.

First of all, it is impossible for you to look after your parents alone. You should immediately go to the welfare office of your city government and get your parents certified to make them eligible to receive services under the nursing care insurance system. Your parents can receive various kinds of support depending on the level of care they require, so your burden will be reduced.

Secondly, you should tell your daughters, since they are not helping, you to leave your house and become independent. Anyone who doesn’t help with the housework or fulfill their roles as a member of the family has no right to live in the home.

And when your husband brings home a huge pile of vegetables, tell him to cook them himself if he wants to eat them so badly.

If he still doesn’t listen to you, consider divorce and talk to a legal expert. You have the right to receive a fair share of the property.

There is no need to waste the second half of your precious life listening to everything your family members say.

Even if you don’t get a divorce, there are surely ways you can live more freely than you do now.

— Eiko Yamaguchi, writer