I Worry About My Son Who Dropped Out of School and Has No Job

The Yomiuri Shimbun

12:45 JST, January 19, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a female part-time worker in my mid-50s suffering from an intractable disease. I would like advice about my son, who is in his late 20s and left home 2½ years ago and has not returned since.

My son, who was a cheerful person, suddenly quit his part-time job in the summer of his third year at university and became absorbed in playing games on his smartphone, leading him to stay awake at night and sleep during the day. He also became unable to earn credits at the university.

He promised to improve his lifestyle and get back to his studies every time we talked about them, but he ended up repeating a university course for 2½ years. In the end, he dropped out of school.

He didn’t appear to be actively looking for a job. My husband checked our son’s computer with his permission and found out that he had ignored a lot of job information he received.

When he left home, I told him that there are important things he needs to do first and then return after he has achieved something. My husband has told him that he wasted the many chances that we gave him.

When he heard that I had fallen ill, he sent me an email saying, “I’m sorry for everything. I will do the best that I can.”

However, I heard from someone that he is living with his girlfriend and has no job.

We used to be happy, but now I feel pain.

— E, Saitama Prefecture

Dear Ms. E:

I can imagine how painful it is for you to worry about your son. On the other hand, I feel like I can hear your son’s scream.

He suddenly changed when he was in his third year of university. It is a time when people worry about how they should live their life, including getting a job. He may have gradually become mentally ill due to the gap between his thoughts and his parents’ expectations.

Your son is obedient and a good son. I don’t think he lied when he repeatedly said that he would improve his lifestyle. He may have said so because he wanted to meet your expectations rather than “improving” what he wanted to do.

He was told to do what he needs to do first and to produce results despite his being worried and unable to take action.

I can understand your anger and disappointment at his having wasted the many chances you gave him. But why don’t you take a step back and consider whether those chances were really for his benefit or the result of the ego of both of you trying to make him behave as you expected.

He is a kind person who cares for you amid your serious illness even though he himself is so mentally ill that he disappeared to protect himself from your oppression. I know I may sound harsh, but I think it is you who needs to change.

— Masami Ohinata, university president