My Mother is Against Me Marrying a Man I Met on a Dating App

The Yomiuri Shimbun

12:00 JST, January 5, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a woman in my early 30s. My mother is against me marrying a man whom I met on a dating app and who is the same age as me. We’ve been dating for a year and a half and are discussing when to register our marriage.

My parents said that it’s frivolous to try to find partners online and that the internet is a breeding ground for crime. In particular, my mother hates social media. When I introduced her to my boyfriend, I asked her to focus on his personality. However, she refused and wouldn’t accept his gift.

A man I previously dated turned out to be a stalker and I had to call the police. I became depressed and even took a leave of absence from work.

Whenever my mother opens her mouth, she says, “It was your fault for dating a man who would get in trouble with the police,” or “It’s really embarrassing that you took a leave of absence.” She never talks about my current boyfriend.

The other day, I messaged her on Line that I won’t change my mind about marrying him and that I don’t want to talk to her unless she is willing to listen to me.

I haven’t heard from her since. I can’t trust my mother anymore and I want to cut ties with her. Am I a cold-hearted daughter?

M, Hokkaido

Dear Ms. M:

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage.

Nowadays, a quarter of all marriages among young people are the result of meeting on dating apps, according to a survey by the Children and Families Agency. A university professor I know got married to someone they met on a dating app, as did a doctor I know.

But you can’t convince your mother with logic. Your mother is more concerned about how she is seen by others than she is about you. However, it’s rare to find someone who is worried to such an extent. I’m very glad that you are not being poisoned by your mother.

I don’t think you should make any effort to persuade your mother and try to fix your relationship. I don’t think you’re being cold-hearted if you get married to your boyfriend without taking such a step.

If you grow apart from your mother, your mother should be blamed for not listening to you.

However, if you still care about your mother, it would be nice if you could let her know what is going on in some way, for example, by contacting her through your relatives.

The most important thing is for you to live a happy married life. I think this will be the best way to persuade your mother.

Masahiro Yamada, university professor