As a Man in My Early 40s, Should I Look for a Spouse or Chase My Dreams?

The Yomiuri Shimbun

11:30 JST, November 17, 2024

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a male office worker in my early 40s. I can’t make up my mind whether to try to get married or to pursue my dream.

Since graduating from university, I have changed jobs several times, worked at an exploitative company and been pushed to my physical and mental limits. Ten years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer and underwent chemotherapy. The cancer has not come back and I’m healthy.

During my illness, I found something I really wanted to study. Now that I’m out of the hospital, I’m studying for a university entrance exam.

Even though I’ve just recovered from my illness, I can’t just stay out of work forever. So I got a job at a company and am studying while working.

I’ve told my parents that I don’t think I’ll ever get married. But I do want to marry and have children.

While studying for my exam, I signed up for a dating app to give myself a breather. But in the end I had no luck, probably because of my low income.

Now I can’t decide whether to look seriously for a partner for once, and then chase my dream if I don’t find a good match, or to study hard to make my dream come true as soon as possible.

I know I’m indecisive, but please give me some advice on what I should do.

U, Saitama Prefecture

Dear Mr. U:

One of my male students surprised me when he said, “I broke up with my girlfriend so I can focus on job hunting.” It used to be just women who had to choose between marriage and work, but now some men face the same problem.

As for dating apps, some people do well on them; others don’t. No matter how promising or nice you may seem, you may have a hard time on these apps if your current information, such as your income, is not appealing.

Marriage is a means to happiness, not an end of itself. It should also not be a means to having children. I don’t think you need to force yourself to get married.

You did not say what your dream is. But if it is something feasible and gives you a good shot at landing a stable job, why not focus your energy on that first?

Even today, the most common place for someone to meet their future spouse is at school or work. While studying or on the job, you may meet someone wonderful who wants to spend their life with you.

Why not tell yourself, “If I find the right person, then I’ll get married”? I’m rooting for you.

Masahiro Yamada, university professor