My Mother Admitted That She Has Shoplifted. I Cannot Forgive Her

The Yomiuri Shimbun

11:00 JST, October 20, 2024

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a female civil servant in my 20s. My mother, a homemaker in her 50s, shoplifted. I’m completely shocked and cannot forgive her.

She shoplifted at a store that had dismissed her unfairly. The store hired her while she was having a hard time finding a job because of her age. So I think she was highly motivated and put all her hopes in working at that store.

My mother said she was fired for merely refusing to sell a recommended item and that was why she shoplifted at the store to get revenge against it.

After being fired, she couldn’t find another job. At the time she shoplifted, she wasn’t feeling well due to menopause and she was anxious for days on end. She has also been in the process of getting a divorce.

I understand why she was anxious, but what she did was an undignified, criminal act. My mother admitted that what she did was wrong but then started to push back, saying, “Stop blaming me” and “I told you I was sorry.”

I thought my mother was strong. A kind daughter would have stood by her mother and given her a bit of encouragement. But I can’t be kind to her.

Y, Miyagi Prefecture

Dear Ms. Y:

I understand that you found your mother’s shoplifting to be shocking and shameful. As her daughter, it is natural that you want your mother to be strong and dignified. So please don’t blame yourself if you can’t be kind to her.

Change your perspective a little and look at her not as a mother but as a woman in her 50s.

She is over 50, in the middle of getting a divorce and having difficulty finding a job because of her age. She was unfairly fired and feeling flustered. She’s also going through menopause.

I guess she had a lot of pent-up emotions but no place to express them and no one to share them with. I don’t know the reason for her divorce, but I assume she must have been struggling, considering the financial difficulties that would come with getting a divorce in her 50s.

You probably thought your mother was strong because she was pretending to be strong. Your mother probably felt as if she couldn’t show her vulnerable side to her daughter.

What your mother needs is a place where she can show her vulnerability. If she is in divorce mediation and getting advice from a lawyer, she can ask them whether she had been unfairly fired.

You may also recommend that she visit a clinic to talk about what she is going through. You can encourage her to visit a psychiatry clinic to talk about any concerns she may have in order to receive psychological support.

Junko Umihara, psychiatrist