What My Mother-in-Law Said Still Haunts Me

The Yomiuri Shimbun

11:35 JST, October 6, 2024

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a company employee in my 40s. I underwent fertility treatment and had a miscarriage while working full-time. I decided to spend the rest of my life with my husband, in light of the psychological damage I suffered and my age.

I want to help people, which is why I’m working in the welfare field for people with disabilities after obtaining a certification in a home study course at university.

Every time there is a report about the government doing something about the low birthrate and the aging population, I’m disappointed that nothing is being done for childless couples like us and feel stigmatized.

I was so shocked when my mother-in-law said, “People who haven’t given birth don’t understand what others feel” and “I wish my granddaughter had a cousin.”

Although I try to cheer myself up by doing things like eating with friends, shopping and reading books, what my mother-in-law said still haunts me and makes me depressed and cry. I want to get rid of this sense of guilt and live my life with dignity.

— P, Tokyo

Dear Ms. P:

You wrote that you’re currently working in the field of the welfare for people with disabilities because you want to help people after you went through fertility treatment and a miscarriage and obtained a certification. I sincerely respect your spirit of service and your altruistic attitude.

How was your relationship with your mother-in-law before she said that terrible thing to you?

Were the two of you close enough to keep each other informed of your current situation, or was it just a superficial relationship?

If it was the former, I mean no disrespect, but I have to say that your mother-in-law has a serious personality problem. If it was the latter, the words came from the family values and sense of gender discrimination of her generation. It is unfortunate but true that some people hold these beliefs.

I want you to overcome these prejudices and assumptions. Your sincere way of living is beyond her understanding. You don’t have to feel guilty at all.

It is good that you have been trying many things to feel better. Although you may cry sometimes, I think it would be good if you can let things go. Time will make you stronger.

— Yoko Sanuki, lawyer