I Grew Up without Developing a Sense of Self-respect

The Yomiuri Shimbun

10:30 JST, September 29, 2024

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a female company employee in my mid-30s. I want to develop a sense of self-care and self-respect. I have grown to adulthood without understanding these kinds of feelings and senses.

Growing up in a single-mother household, I took care of my younger sister and did household chores from the time I was a first grader, instead of my mother who was exhausted from working all day.

I pretend to be interested in myself by keeping up my appearance in public, but I have no motivation to do various things for myself as long as I can get enough food and sleep. I lead a life where I just sleep, and don’t engage in household chores or take baths. Even though I should be capable of handling things around me, now that I live alone, I find myself living in a messy room.

I once tried to lead a more disciplined life, even if just performatively. However, I quit because I found it ridiculous and got fed up with taking care of something valueless.

Since I don’t like myself, I have no attachment to others and have never dated anyone.

— D, Tokyo

Dear Ms. D:

People learn to take care of themselves through experiences where they are cared for. You didn’t mention the reason your family became a single-mother household, but from the time you were 6 or 7 years old you watched your exhausted mother’s mood, did household chores and took care of your sister. Since you didn’t receive affection at the age when children need it most, it may be difficult for you to see yourself as valuable now.

The situation you were in is called child neglect. It appears that the reasons you abandon yourself, including not caring much about food and hygiene, are influenced by your childhood experiences.

This is a case where you need help from clinical and certified psychotherapists.

You may think that in saying this I am not fulfilling my role as an advisor. However, this column is not long enough to fully contribute to solving your serious problem.

There are techniques that only professionals with extensive specialized training can use for someone like you. Call up a mental health welfare center in your region and make a visit.

I hope you will meet a reliable expert.

— Hazuki Saisho, writer