My Son Says He Cannot Forgive Me for Being Angry with Him as a Child

The Yomiuri Shimbun

11:03 JST, August 18, 2024

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a homemaker in my mid 70s. My husband passed away about three years ago, and now I live in a duplex home with my eldest son, who is in his 50s, his wife and my grandchild.

My son’s wife and I are on good terms. We regularly bring each other food we have made. My eldest son used to interact with me normally.

However, he has not responded to what I say to him since he got married.

I have been patient with him for a long time. One day, I boldly asked him, “What do you dislike about me?” He said, “I cannot forgive you for being angry with me when I was in elementary school.”

I have four boys. Raising children is hard, and I am regretful knowing that I couldn’t give my oldest son as much attention and hurt him to the point that he cannot forgive me even now. I have a good relationship with my other three sons.

I think my son has not told his wife about what happened between us. If something happens to me, he and his family are supposed to take care of me, so should I just be patient?

— J, Tokyo

Dear Ms. J:

You have done nothing wrong. There is no need for you to feel guilty about your son.

It is not normal for a 50-something working adult with a wife and child to refuse to talk to his mother, whom he lives with, because he cannot forgive her for being angry with him when he was in elementary school.

A person with proper social common sense would not behave in this manner.

Since you live in a two household duplex home, I assume that both you and your late husband paid for the construction of the house. If that is the case, it is even more unreasonable for your son to continue to ignore you.

Your son hates you because he is not a good match for you, which means he is not compatible with you and your personality. He cannot help but rebel against you no matter what you say or do. It is the fault of the gods and no one else’s.

You are a good mother, given you get along well with your other three sons.

It is fortunate that you and your son’s wife get along well. Please continue to do so and give up on your son by thinking of him as a Jizo stone statue or something.

When the time comes, the nursing care insurance system will care for you.

— Eiko Yamaguchi, writer