My mother is meddling in my efforts to find a marriage partner

The Yomiuri Shimbun

11:17 JST, September 25, 2022

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a man in my 30s. I’m having difficulties because my mother is meddling in my efforts to try to find a marriage partner.

I’ve not had many relationships in the past, so I’m looking for a spouse on my own by going on group dates and using matchmaking apps.

However, it seems my mother is against these ways of meeting women. Without my knowledge, she goes to parties and events for parents with unmarried children and comes back with information on several women.

I’ve always discussed everything with my mother. I don’t want to create an unpleasant atmosphere at home, so I took a look at the women, but refused them all, because I want to find my future wife on my own. I also think that it would be embarrassing to get my mother’s help with issues like this.

She told me the other day, “Even if you get married with someone you’ve met through those dates and apps, I won’t like her and will never be able to get along with her.” When I argued with her about this, she started crying. What should I do to make her understand?

K, Kanagawa Prefecture

Dear Mr. K:

I’m relieved that you regard your mother’s selfish search for her son’s partner as embarrassing and that you are working on finding a spouse by yourself.

It seems your mother is trying to take the initiative in choosing a bride to join the family. Even though you haven’t chosen your partner yet, she has already told you, “I won’t like her and will never be able to get along with her” if you meet her through an app. Clearly, her words are intimidation that is going too far.

If things stay the way they are, I fear that even if someone nice comes along in your mother’s search for your partner, she may continue meddling even after you get married.

Perhaps you have placed too much weight on your relationship with your mother, to the point that you have forgotten the meaning of marriage. Marriage is about building a new family with your partner apart from your current family, and living your life with your wife.

You need to make your mother understand that she is not the one who should be looking for your partner.

Tell her firmly once again that you will find your spouse on your own. You don’t have to get her consent. This may sound callous, but don’t let her crying deter you.

The conflict you are having now may be a sign that it is high time you left the nest. You won’t be able to find a good partner unless you stick to your resolve. Good luck.

Tomomi Fujiwara, writer