My Boyfriend Is Great Most of the Time but Can Sometimes Be Very Harsh

The Yomiuri Shimbun

13:48 JST, August 24, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a woman in my 20s working in the food service industry and I need advice about my boyfriend. I met him on a dating app and we’ve been together for four years.

We laugh a lot when we talk, and the silences never feel awkward. We have fun together and have similar interests. I think we get along, and he is probably the most wonderful man I’ve ever met.

However, I’m worried because sometimes he scolds me really harshly.

The other day, when I accidentally dropped our refrigerator when we were moving it out, he shouted at me. He said, “You idiot! What are you doing!?” and “You really piss me off.”

He said his harsh language is the result of childhood abuse and being bullied in school. He also said he uses that kind of language so other people don’t look down on him. He stops speaking that way when I tell him not to, but he starts up again after a while.

I want to continue seeing him, but how can I deal with his scolding? Can I make him stop using that kind of language? Should I break up with him?

L, Chiba Prefecture

Dear Ms. L:

He really scolds you harshly, doesn’t he? No matter how many enjoyable moments you have together, it must still be very stressful to have him talk to you that way. It might not be easy for him to change if it’s related to his personality.

If, as he says, it is a behavior he has learned as a result of past experiences, it will be even more difficult for him to change. If that’s the case, and you just continue to let him behave that way, your frustration may build up, and you may end up having emotional outbursts.

It would be best to tell him how you feel each time he behaves that way, but not when he is angry. Instead, speak to him after he has calmed down.

You can talk about what aspects of his behavior you find problematic, how it makes you feel each time he speaks that way and ask him to stop.

If he has already shown signs of improvement after you told him how you felt, he might be willing to change.

You can decide whether to break up with him after seeing if he changes.

Yutaka Ono, psychiatrist