My Anxious Father Has Put a Damper on My Retired Life

The Yomiuri Shimbun

16:35 JST, August 17, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a retired man in my 60s who lives with and cares for my 90-year-old father. However, his constant anxiety has become a source of stress for me.

Apart from some hearing loss, my father is otherwise healthy and does not have dementia. My care mostly involves shopping and looking after his daily needs.

He worries that the gutters will overflow and flood the house when it rains. He also fears that the windows will break in high winds. I try to persuade him that most of our worries never come true, but it does not seem to help.

He is particularly worried about me and demands a daily report of my schedule. If I run an errand and come back later than expected, he gets upset and says, “You’re late! I was worried you’d been in an accident!”

I had looked forward to traveling with my wife when I retired, but we have had to cut our trips short, and at most I can now get a single night away.

Since my father has difficulty relaxing with my siblings or a caregiver, I try to be around as much as possible. This arrangement has become very stressful, and I would like some advice on how to ease his anxiety.

E, Fukuoka Prefecture

Dear Mr. E:

It is wonderful that your father is doing well. And I commend you for living with him and taking care of him.

They say that elderly people can revert to childlike behavior, but it seems your father has returned to the time when he was raising you. If his anxiety were severe enough to interfere with his daily life, I would recommend counseling or that he see a psychiatrist. But it does not appear to be so bad.

If that is the case, you might just let him be anxious. Why not try to enjoy your life, even if it means getting scolded?

Take a trip with your wife. Go away for two or three nights, instead of just one. He may scold you, and then you can listen to what he says and simply acknowledge it.

Tell yourself that his anger is a sign of good health. Letting him scold you is a form of filial piety, and you might play along by looking a little downcast.

Remember that soon he may need more serious care or have to move to a facility.

Until then, I think it’s best to keep giving your father opportunities to “get angry” or, in other words, worry about you.

Masahiro Yamada, university professor