How Do I Handle Living with My Unpredictably Moody Mother?

The Yomiuri Shimbun

14:45 JST, August 10, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a female nurse in my 30s working at a clinic. I live with my parents due to my health concerns. I’ve long been troubled by my mother, who pushes people around depending on her mood.

My mother is the type of person who talks back and always has something to say. She has hardly ever apologized to me when issues come up.

She blames me by saying things like, “That hurts my feelings,” or “Why are you still holding on to that?” and remains in a bad mood until she’s satisfied. It’s hard to know what sets her off, and she gets angry out of nowhere, even during casual conversations.

Because of this, I cannot have an open and honest conversation with her. I occasionally feel a surge of anger when having a flashback to memories of how unfairly she has treated me.

Perhaps due to her, I have become emotionally unstable and fall into self-loathing. How should I deal with my mother?

— U, Tokyo

Dear Ms. U:

It must be tough to live with a self-centered, emotional mother. You must have consumed a lot of energy physically and emotionally while living in a situation where you can never predict when you will step on a landmine. I feel your pain of having to live with her because of your health issues.

If that’s the case, the only option is to avoid seeing her as much as possible, even though you’re living together. Since you work as a nurse at a clinic, at least you can avoid seeing her during the day.

When you come home, try to spend as much time as possible in your room and stay away from your mother. You could eat separately by buying ready-made meals, if possible.

I’ve seen many of the patients in my clinic live like this. Just because you live in the same house doesn’t mean you have to spend time together.

When you feel lonely in your room, it might be helpful to meet with friends after work or communicate with them using your phone or social media.

— Yutaka Ono, psychiatrist