As a Doctor, I’m Blaming Myself for My Mother’s Cancer

The Yomiuri Shimbun

10:43 JST, July 27, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a woman in my 30s and a doctor. It has been a year since my mother was diagnosed with cancer, and she has been fighting the disease in that time. My mother is like a best friend to me.

I’m blaming myself because I could not detect her illness sooner. It’s very difficult for me to see her gradually getting worse and becoming weaker.

I’ve always had a bad relationship with my father. After graduating from college, I lived alone, but I returned to my parents’ home because of my mother. I always argue with my father, and my mother is always upset about it.

I want my mother’s last days to be peaceful, and my father and I want to be more positive. However, I cannot control my fear and anxiety when I imagine losing my mother and the loss that will follow.

I’m considering taking a leave of absence from work in order to spend as much time as possible with my mother. What should I do to live with my mother without regrets?

G, Tokyo

Dear Ms. G:

I am sorry to hear about your mother’s battle with illness, especially since she is like a best friend to you.

It is hard to see someone you care about suffering, so I understand your desire to take a leave of absence from work to be with her for as long as possible.

However, I wonder if you should do that. Staying home may lead to more arguments with your father, and living solely as a caregiver may increase your own stress and decrease the quality of your care.

How about changing your viewpoint? Think about improving the quality of your time with your mother instead of increasing the amount of time you spend together.

It is also important to let your colleagues know about your family situation and build relationships in which they can support you if necessary.

Only those who have experienced the pain of dealing with a family member’s illness can understand how difficult it is. I hope I’m not asking too much, but I hope that you, as a medical professional, will remember how you are feeling right now and will be there for people who are in the same pain.

It is, of course, desirable that a disease is detected as soon as possible, but sometimes it is difficult no matter how careful you are. The best thing you can do is not to blame yourself, but to make the most of your future life.

Cherish the time you have with your family. Also, make time to take care of yourself.

Junko Umihara, psychiatrist