My Mother Does Things Her Way, Disregarding the Trouble it Causes Others

The Yomiuri Shimbun

15:59 JST, July 13, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a woman in my 40s working part-time. My mother, who is in her 70s, is growing more and more egocentric and developing more of a victim mentality as she becomes older. I find it difficult to deal with her.

She visits my workplace on days when I am off work without telling me in advance and causes trouble. She also comes to my place while I am away with my family, and phones me, asking, “Where are you?”

I have told her time and again that she should tell me in advance when she is coming. But then she starts blaming me, saying things like, “You hate me,” or “Pay me back the money for the designer bag I bought for you.” I never asked her to buy me the bag. In fact, I was baffled when she gave it to me.

She has also visited the homes of my two younger brothers, who both live in Tokyo, without telling them of her visits in advance. They were appalled.

I have told my father about her behavior, but she has not shown any improvement.

She ignores the schedules and circumstances of the people around her, including her family, and just does things her way thinking only of her own convenience. I’m worried about her because people may desert her and she will be left alone. How should I deal with her?

— X, Nara Prefecture

Dear Ms. X:

It seems that your mother lacks the ability to consider her children’s schedules and circumstances and that she has to contact them before visiting them. It’s inconsiderate of her to give you a designer bag only to then demand that you pay her back for it, as well as to visit your brothers in Tokyo unannounced.

These actions must be troublesome for all of you, even if they are her way of showing affection to her children.

Perhaps your mother cannot properly understand that her children are all grown-up members of society. In a case like this, do not get angry with her or criticize her, because doing so will only hurt her pride.

From what you’ve described about your mother, I suspect she may have dementia. Forgetfulness is often cited as a major symptom of dementia in its early stages, and irritability is another typical symptom.

People showing such symptoms may feel worried because they cannot understand things well, or they become irritated because they cannot convey their emotions well.

The important thing for you, as well as for your father and two brothers, is to learn about dementia. Then, take your mother to see a doctor at a specialist hospital. The sooner the better, I think.

I hope your family takes the appropriate measures so that your mother can lead a relaxing life.

— Yoko Sanuki, lawyer