It’s Hard to Talk to My Adult Daughter Since She Was Young

The Yomiuri Shimbun

10:13 JST, July 6, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a part-time worker in my 50s. I’m having trouble talking to my daughter, who is in her late 20s.

Since she was in kindergarten, she never really talked about herself that much, and when she did, it was just to brag about her test scores. She never had any close friends, and when she was in elementary school, she was severely bullied.

She did well academically, so I sent her to a junior high school away from our hometown. But things didn’t improve, and she became more difficult.

When she’s upset, she doesn’t say anything and just withdraws. She dreamed of becoming an idol and enrolled in a vocational school specializing in the entertainment industry, but she only appeared as an extra. Even so, she met a kind person and got married in her mid-20s.

However, she recently failed to tell us something that ended up causing some problems. That incident made me think that she hasn’t changed and is still a cold person.

I understand that the way I connected with her was bad. If she hates me, should I just not communicate with her any more?

— P, Kanagawa Prefecture

Dear Ms. P:

Regarding your letter about you having trouble talking to your daughter and her being a cold person, I feel a bit sorry for her.

I say this because you only wrote negative things about your daughter. You didn’t include any positive aspects of her personality.

No one can open up to someone who is always critical and negative. They avoid talking to such a person, resulting in a lack of communication.

Your opinion of her being a cold person could be a projection of your own feelings. Perhaps you should reflect on how you feel about her. She probably bragged about her test scores as a child because she wanted you to tell her, “Good job!”

Your daughter met a kind person and is now married. Her partner must have noticed her good qualities. Why not try to find your daughter’s good qualities as well?

It might take time, but I believe that changing your attitude toward her will gradually improve your relationship.

— Junko Umihara, psychiatrist