Domineering Mom May Be ‘Toxic Parent’; Don’t Think ‘I Can Help Her’

The Yomiuri Shimbun

14:00 JST, June 8, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a female university student in my 20s. My mom used to work at a company, but she’s a homemaker now.

She’s logical, a perfectionist and smart, while I’m sloppy and emotional. Because of that, I’ve made her made mad many times, ever since I was a child.

She frequently calls me things like “stupid” or “worthless,” and having to hear that since I was a kid has been tough. Even though I try to tell her how it makes me feel, she counters by saying I’m “arrogant.” She also tries to control my job search and post-graduation plans.

My parents have been separated for 10 years. My mom had a strained relationship with my dad’s mom and often complains that he never stuck up for her. Whenever I interact with him, she yells at me.

I can understand that she’s lonely and in pain, but I want her to stop pressuring me to cut my dad out of my life.

I get that she’s right in what she says. However, her tone and attitude are always harsh, and since she always has an answer or a counter for whatever I say, I can’t stand up to her.

Am I wrong in thinking that my mom is a “toxic parent”?

— J, Kanagawa Prefecture

Dear Ms. J:

Have you decided what you are going to do after graduation and beyond? If you have a dream, cherish it.

No matter what your parents say, you will not waver if you have a deeply held conviction. Even if you have no choice but to take a different path for a time, you will eventually return to where you want to be.

In other words, the issue here is not your mom but the way you are living.

If “toxic parent” means a parent who harms their children, your mom may very well be one. But simply labeling her that won’t solve anything. It will only end with her arguing you down in her high-handed way.

Since you know how she talks, avoid a head-on confrontation. Instead, let her say what she wants and shrug it off. Then keep on preparing to live independently.

Also, you can see your father without telling your mom.

Just imagine. Do you think you could form good relationships with people if you talked the way your mom does?

She may have been an excellent company employee, but I can hardly imagine she has many friends.

Your mom is probably domineering because, as you say, she is lonely. What’s important is not to think you can help her. She needs to solve her problems on her own.

— Hazuki Saisho, writer