I Regret Leaving My Hometown Now My Mother Has Developed Cancer

The Yomiuri Shimbun

11:00 JST, June 1, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a male civil servant in my 20s. I’m an only child raised single-handedly by my mother.

After I graduated from university, I returned to live with my mother for a while and found a job at her previous place of employment.

My mother was delighted by this. But I was not suited to the job and decided to switch careers. I landed a role in a neighboring prefecture.

This job and the workplace environment were wonderful. I also enjoyed a fulfilling personal life there with my friends and partner.

I was on cloud nine and living a happy life. But then, my mother was diagnosed with cancer.

On weekdays, my relatives look after her, and I return to my hometown on weekends to support her daily life.

I feel pangs of regret each time I see her becoming increasingly frail: Why did I change jobs? Should I have stayed near my mother, instead of leaving my family behind and prioritizing my own happiness?

I’m also terrified that jealousy might cause me to suddenly blurt out even to my friends that it’s “unfair” that their parents are healthy. What should I do about this awful feeling inside of me?

E, Shizuoka Prefecture

Dear Mr. E:

Self-realization and relationships with one’s family are both important. When it becomes difficult to balance both these things, I think it’s impossible for a person to decide which one should get higher priority.

My mother was bedridden for a long time due to a pollution-related illness. At the time I had been offered a government scholarship to study overseas, and considered turning it down.

However, my mother said to me, “I’ll manage somehow, so you really should go.” I did go abroad, and my mother died after I returned to Japan.

That event taught me that seeing a child play an active role in society is also a parent’s wish.

I’m sure your mother is glad to see you living your own life and still making time to visit, even while you are so busy. You’re certainly not a heartless person.

Just like you, while I was looking after my mother, at times I also felt jealous of my friends and colleagues who had grown up with wealthy, healthy parents.

Now that I’m getting on in years, I realize that the difficulties I had caring for my mother actually taught me various life lessons.

Being envious is not a bad thing at all. I suggest you vent about your feelings somewhere nobody is around, and then repeat to yourself, “I hope these struggles turn into life lessons.”

Masahiro Yamada, university professor