My Daughter’s Husband Lives with Us But Doesn’t Help Pay for Living Expenses

The Yomiuri Shimbun

16:54 JST, May 18, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a male public servant in my 60s, and my daughter, her husband and their two children live with my wife and I.

My daughter married my now son-in-law, who worked at the same company as her, immediately after she became pregnant with their first child. After she gave birth, our daughter moved in with us, and then her husband moved in.

However, our son-in-law has rarely contributed to household expenses. He frequently changes jobs and doesn’t seem to be embarrassed about it.

Even though their third child is due, he hasn’t tried looking for a job since last autumn, saying that he is busy taking care of their second child, who was born two years ago.

After he learned that my wife told our daughter that we want them to start paying living expenses, he became angry and left the house, saying, “I’ll kill myself.” He came home the next day as if nothing happened and didn’t apologize for anything.

I heard he told my daughter that he will start looking for a job once she goes on maternity leave, but I can’t trust him.

I don’t think it’s possible to try and convince him to change his lifestyle, but I’m worried about the future of my daughter and grandchildren.

How should I deal with my daughter and her husband?

— V, Niigata Prefecture

Dear Mr. V:

Your son-in-law is certainly troublesome. As you said, I do not think he will change even if you try to convince him. However, it must be difficult for you to tell your daughter and her husband to move out.

You didn’t include this in your letter, but your daughter and her husband seem to be on good terms as they are going to have another child, and he helps care for the children.

Why don’t you first start thinking about you and your wife’s future? Do you have retirement plans? Do you want your daughter to take care of you when you start needing nursing care?

You can sell your house and either move into a nursing home with your wife, or move into a smaller home, in which it would be difficult for two families to live together. Those are just a couple of options.

Talk about it with your wife and make financial plans before discussing the future with your daughter. This will make your daughter think more seriously about the situation.

Let’s hope that she will understand your situation enough to realize that she cannot continue to rely on you for long, and discuss the matter with her husband.

— Masahiro Yamada, university professor