Enduring Verbal Abuse, Longing for Release from Full-Time Motherhood; Son Tells Me to ‘Go to Hell’

The Yomiuri Shimbun

13:15 JST, April 13, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a woman in my mid-40s who works in customer service. I live with my husband, two junior high school children and my father-in-law. I’m writing to you with a pressing question: Is it justifiable for me to want to “graduate” from my role as a full-time mother?

The verbal abuse I endure is relentless. When my son is unhappy with me, he routinely hurls insults like, “Go to hell, you damn old hag.” My daughter is equally dismissive and chips away at my personality with statements like, “That’s why you’re no good, Mom.”

Just as parents sometimes abuse their children, there are also cases where children abuse their parents. I want them to know they can’t just get away with saying whatever they like to their mother. I refuse to accept that their behavior is merely part of being an adolescent.

I’m stuck in this endless loop of waking them up, cooking for them and doing their laundry. The question gnaws at me: Is it selfish to imagine my life beyond being a full-time mother when they reach 18?

I have begun to let them do household chores, albeit gradually. Once they become independent, I also want to stop catering to my husband’s every need. However, I will continue to take care of my father-in-law until he dies. I enjoy my hobbies and doing my job. Although I would feel anxiety if I live alone, I desperately want to reclaim my own life.

— M, Tokyo

Dear Ms. M:

You have been managing everything from work and housework to childcare and caring for your father-in-law, all while being insulted by your children. I have nothing but sympathy for the suffering you have endured in serving your family.

However, it seems to me that you and your family have become fixed in a relationship of server and served. While your dedication is commendable, your family is fundamentally flawed if other members do not appreciate your sincerity and efforts.

Of particular concern is your relationship with your husband. Even considering your children are in rebellious age, parents have a responsibility to discipline and guide their children, especially when they resort to such egregious language as “go to hell” against their mother. If you’re unable to address this issue, your husband needs to step in.

It’s completely understandable that you want to prioritize your career and hobbies and live an independent life. It’s not wrong to find comfort in imagining an end to your role as a full-time mother when your younger child becomes independent. It’s fine as a last resort. However, can you first reevaluate your relationship with your husband and explore ways to solve the problems you are facing now?

Start off by telling your husband that you are deeply hurt by your children’s harsh words and ask him to help in getting them understand the error of their ways and to reflect on their behavior.

The marital relationship is the cornerstone of a family. I sincerely hope you can rebuild a family dynamic where you care for and help each other.

— Naoki Ogi, education commentator