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I’m a male civil servant in my mid-40s, and my wife hates my parents. I don’t know what to do because I’ve been unable to have my parents see my 3-year-old.
My parents live far away, and so far, they have visited us about three times. My wife told me she doesn’t want them to come again. I haven’t seen them for more than a year now. Not only does she not want my parents to come visit, she also doesn’t want me to take our child to see them.
It seems as if my wife has had an issue with my parents since we got married. I’ve tried to figure out what caused the problem and tried to fix their relationship, but I’ve been unsuccessful.
It seems she didn’t like it when they indirectly asked her if she would want to move closer to them in the future.
I understand why my wife doesn’t like my parents, but they’re getting older. My father recently had an operation, and I don’t know what will happen in the future.
I feel bad that my parents won’t be able to see their first grandchild for the rest of their lives.
A, Kanagawa Prefecture
Dear Mr. A:
You’re troubled because your wife said she doesn’t want to see your parents. You wrote that you have “tried to figure out what caused the problem and tried to fix their relationship.”
You also said it seems that she has been unhappy with your parents since you two got married, and that she seems to have been annoyed by something they said to her.
After thinking about why she might not like them, what have you done to address it?
Just saying that you understand why she doesn’t want to see your parents and that you feel bad that they can’t see their first grandchild isn’t making her feel better. Rather, it is an emotional argument that is meant to make her feel guilty. Your wife is probably thinking that nothing has been actually solved.
When your parents asked her whether she wanted to move closer to them in the future, did you clearly tell them what she thinks and how she feels? I think if you had defended her, she probably wouldn’t be this against it.
I think what she doesn’t like is being told emotional arguments like, “My dad’s sick, so I don’t know what will happen in the future,” and feeling forced to live with your parents.
You need to talk with your wife and promise that if your parents ever bring up moving in the future, she won’t have to worry because you’ll tell them exactly how you two feel.
