I Don’t Have the Courage to See My Unconscious Mother-in-Law; Am I Being Heartless?

The Yomiuri Shimbun

13:03 JST, February 25, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a civil servant in my late 40’s. Three months ago, my mother-in-law, who is in her 70s, collapsed from a subarachnoid hemorrhage. She underwent emergency surgery but has not yet regained consciousness.

My in-laws’ house is a two-hour drive from our home. It’s a distance that is difficult to travel frequently. My husband makes the trip once a week and, along with his father, has organized his mother’s surgery and hospitalization.

It has been decided that she will be admitted to a facility. But my mother-in-law is still unconscious and has received gastric bypass surgery in the meantime.

All things considered, I should take my junior high and high school children to visit her. However, imagining how she must have changed from her former energetic and kind self, I don’t have the courage to see her.

Is it heartless that I don’t go to see her while asking my husband to take our children?

— P, Niigata Prefecture

Dear Ms. P:

As I read your letter, I could feel how charming your mother-in-law was before becoming ill. I understand that you want to always keep in your heart the image of her as a healthy and kind person.

However, I think about how I would feel if I became like your mother-in-law. I would still want to see my family. Even if she is unconscious, I’m sure she will know that you and your children have come. I think she would be incredibly pleased.

It takes courage to accept reality, but I hope you will take the first step. Besides, you may notice many things when you actually see her.

Try rubbing her feet or touching her hands. And talk to her a lot.

Among the five human senses, hearing is said to be the last sense that remains. Try telling her how her grandchildren are doing or about the memories you have with her.

In addition, if you build your relationship with those at the facility, it will be easier for you to ask about your mother-in-law’s condition by phone or other means even though you live far away.

Do not give up. Come together as a family and watch over your mother-in-law.

— Akemi Masuda, sports commentator