I Feel Incomplete After Failing to Conceive a Baby; I Have a Sense of Incompleteness

The Yomiuri Shimbun

17:25 JST, February 16, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a company executive in my early 40s. When I was 36, I remarried. My husband was 40 at the time, and it was his first marriage. We underwent advanced fertility treatment, but I was unable to conceive.

My husband runs a small company. Before starting the treatment, I was an outside salesperson leading a fulfilling life. Now I’m in charge of accounting and other miscellaneous tasks.

My husband and I changed our minds and gave up on having a child. We are traveling in Japan and abroad and have built the house of our dreams. I’m trying to keep myself satisfied by doing things like taking cultural lessons or going shopping.

Frankly, I’m not that fond of children. Nevertheless, I feel like I’m letting myself down and have this sense of incompleteness for having never had a child.

With few outside connections, my life is easy. But the days pass by without incident, which makes me feel like I’m living an unfulfilling life.

— K, Ibaraki Prefecture

Dear Ms. K:

I’ve seen many parents and children in my work. Some are very close, while others are at odds or get along okay but have somewhat tenuous relationships.

To me, even though parent-child relationships are based on blood, they are very much like the relationships of lovers, spouses or friends in the sense that they start with an “encounter.”

Having a child is certainly a big encounter. It is often the first step to a fulfilling life. I understand you feel incomplete after ending your fertility treatment.

In the long run, however, I think having a child is just one of many encounters in life. The time when children are unconditionally cute will pass in the blink of an eye, and before you know it, they will be an individual.

When that happens, even a parent and child can butt heads.

It is wise of you to switch your mindset and take up new hobbies, such as traveling or learning new things. The experiences you have now will surely be a source of strength in the future.

It also seems that you are the type of person who feels joy and fulfillment from living an active life. Why not consider going back to work in sales?

Although there are some troublesome aspects to being around people, it also creates opportunities for good encounters.

— Yoko Sanuki, lawyer