I’m Tired of My Husband Not Helping with the Children. I Want a Divorce.

The Yomiuri Shimbun

11:00 JST, December 22, 2024

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a female part-time worker in my 40s. My husband is a professor at a university hospital and we have three children, from elementary to high school age.

Because he is so busy, I became a homemaker after we married.

After the birth of our first child, I was stressed by having to raise them and do all the housework myself. And because I take things seriously, I grew depressed. I also beat the child.

I tried asking my husband to work less, but he just said, “Why don’t you ask your parents to come or hire a babysitter?” He stayed focused on his work, and went abroad by himself to study. I couldn’t ask my parents to help because they were sick.

For the past year and a half, my second child, who is in junior high school, has been glued to smartphone games nearly all day long. The child is also in a rebellious phase, and I can’t control them.

My second child has told me to “go die” and that they’ll kill me, and I’m mentally and physically exhausted. I tried talking to my husband about it, but he didn’t take me seriously. He said our child would eventually get bored of smartphone games.

I’m tired of my husband not understanding things, so recently I asked him for a divorce. Why won’t he take an interest in our family?

— T, location withheld

Dear Ms. T:

Your story sounded just like that of a doctor’s family as portrayed in a drama from the Showa era (1926-89).

Assuming your husband is about the same age as you, it is difficult to imagine why he is so uninterested in helping to raise your children.

I can’t help but think that your husband, when he was growing up and his environment back then, relied on the sacrifice of a wife like you.

You said you told him you want to divorce. I’m impressed you’ve managed to hold out so long. I hope this will be a chance for your family to rethink both the past and future.

However, I suggest you don’t rush to any conclusions. First, please contact with the Japan Legal Support Center, for a general guide to legal problems.

What worries me is your second child’s smartphone addiction. If your child can hardly put their phone down all day, the problem may be so bad that they can no longer control it on their own. Your child may need the help of a specialist.

If your child is under 18, the major phone carriers offer services that allow parents to set time limits. Have you considered this option? There are also devices that have parental controls built in, and apps that allow you to control them.

You need to strongly ask for help from your husband, who is a doctor, and deal with the issue together. Your child may be the one who is suffering the most. Your child may want someone to help them stop being so addicted to their phone.

Listen to your child’s cries for help first. Your divorce can come later.

— Hazuki Saisho, writer