My Husband Won’t Admit He is Harassing People at Work Despite Getting a Warning

The Yomiuri Shimbun

10:30 JST, October 27, 2024

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a woman in my 50s. My husband was warned about his “power harassment,” or harassment in the workplace from a position of power, by someone at work. It seems like he’s been yelling more and more at others, insisting that he’s right.

When my husband told me about this, I realized that what he’s been doing to me at home all this time is verbally harass me. He yells at me, saying things such as: “It’s your fault for making me angry. What are you doing?” He also persistently shouts at me in front of our children.

We’ve been married for about 20 years. We’ve repeatedly moved because of my husband’s job, and I tried to put up with the hardships all by myself, such as infertility treatment in an unfamiliar place. Painful feelings suddenly come back, and I sometimes feel that I don’t want to talk to my husband. I’ve been seeing a doctor because of my depression.

I asked my husband not to scare me. I also told him that he may be harassing others at work as he was warned. However, he refuses to admit it, saying, “Is it all my fault?” We have children and our income is low, so I’m not considering a divorce right away. But how should I deal with these feelings, and should I consider getting a divorce?

— X, Fukuoka Prefecture

Dear Ms. X:

There are reports every day of someone, somewhere, getting harassed in their workplace. The perpetrators of power harassment are characterized by not listening to others, not compromising their values, only pointing out problems and having only people they like around them.

Even after being warned at work, your husband continues making excuses and has no idea what the fundamental problem is. It’s obvious that he will continue to do the same thing. Since you will continue to suffer because of him, it will be devastating.

But you’re saying that you have children and a low income, so you don’t want to get a divorce right away. However, you want to keep it in mind. Given that you can make such calculations, I assume you aren’t so desperate, are you? With such an attitude, don’t you think your husband may be taking advantage of you?

Unless you are prepared to change the situation, such as by living apart from him for a while unless he takes action to improve himself, for example, by attending rehabilitation classes for power harassment offenders and rethinking his life, nothing will change anytime soon. You must show through your actions that the situation is quite serious.

I take this consultation as a step toward that end.

— Hazuki Saisho, writer