I Still Resent My Father-In-Law 20 Years after He Died

The Yomiuri Shimbun

14:39 JST, December 7, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a woman in my 70s. Although my father-in-law died more than 20 years ago, I’m still haunted by the insensitive remarks he constantly made toward me.

His remarks still cross my mind and make me feel angry, frustrated and depressed. Sometimes those feelings keep me up at night.

My in-laws were self-employed, running their own retail shop. The business went through tough times, and I worked hard to raise my three children while the family lived under a shadow of debt. My father-in-law and sister-in-law blamed me for everything.

Despite those tough times, I didn’t turn to my own parents for help; I just gritted my teeth and endured it all.

I resented my husband because he didn’t work and just enjoyed himself. However, he later expressed his gratitude to me after his health declined and I cared for him. He died about 10 years ago, and my hatred toward him has faded.

Yet I can’t shake the feelings I had when my father-in-law refused to accept me as his son’s wife or even as a person. My daughter tells me to forget about those times and enjoy my life, but the memories keep popping into my mind. What should I do?

F, Gifu Prefecture

Dear Ms. F:

It seems like you worked really hard for many years while putting up with your in-laws. I think the fact that you are unable to forget your late father-in-law’s comments, even more than 20 years after he died, suggests that you have bottled up some painful feelings.

I wonder if it is because your husband was not on your side and the years went by without someone to share those feelings with or a place where you felt accepted.

I recommend you try putting the feelings that you have buried deep in your heart into words. When the memories cross your mind, try writing down as much as you can about the frustration, unfairness and anger you felt at the time.

After that, give your younger self a word or two of encouragement. Tell yourself, “I can understand how tough it must have been for you,” “It really was a terrible environment, but you hung in there,” and “It must have been hard having no one on your side.”

Your father-in-law was probably feeling squeezed by debt repayments when the shop was going through financial difficulties. Perhaps he took his frustration out on you. It’s also possible that his immaturity as a person manifested itself in those unreasonable comments.

We can’t change the past, but we can change how we feel about what has happened.

Your daughter has grown up and is now on your side. Please make sure you spend time with her and live your remaining years to the fullest.

Junko Umihara, psychologist