I’m Worried about My Daughter, Who Often Sleeps away from Home

The Yomiuri Shimbun

11:35 JST, September 15, 2024

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a woman in my early 50s. I’d like to get advice about my second daughter, who is in her fourth year of college.

Since entering university, she has constantly been spending the night out of the house, doing club activities and hanging out with friends. Recently, she got a boyfriend and has been coming home even less.

She attends a public university that she can commute to from home, which has been good to keep expenses down for the household. But she stays out so much that she can’t hold a part-time job, and there doesn’t seem to be much studying going on.

I’ve recently given up and tried convincing myself that it’s fine as long as she’s happy.

She eats out all the time. She hates vegetables and doesn’t finish the food she’s served at home. She’s becoming more and more selfish.

I tell her off when she comes home, which creates an awful atmosphere. My husband sometimes gets on her case about her attitude, but he basically doesn’t care what she does. He just says that’s how college students are.

His values are so different from mine that it makes me restless.

I got in contact with this column because I want someone to say, “That’s the way things are these days, so it’s fine.”

L, Fukuoka Prefecture

Dear Ms. L:

People’s values and lifestyles are changing faster and faster every year. It is said that there has always been a value gap between younger and older generations, and many people must be finding it hard to understand each other.

It must be even more frustrating when it comes to your own children. I can sympathize with your feelings.

You are looking for reassurance that all young people today are the same. But I’m hesitant to say that so easily because although some things change with the times, other things do not and should not change.

If you have certain things you want your children to hold on to as a responsible person no matter how much the times change, I believe it is the role and duty of parents to tell them sincerely.

I hope that you will consider what qualities you would like your daughter to hold on to as a responsible person. It would be best if you discussed the matter with your husband.

How about choosing one or two things that you want her to hold on to and then talking to her earnestly about them while demonstrating with your attitude that you trust her with the rest?

Don’t pick her up on every little thing every time she comes home. It will only create a deeper rift between the two of you.

Masami Ohinata, university president