My Husband is Cold Toward Me When I’m Sick; Unaware of My Needs

The Yomiuri Shimbu

10:00 JST, July 21, 2024

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a nurse in my mid-60s looking for advice about my husband. I’m distressed because he becomes so cold toward me when I’m not feeling well.

I don’t know if it’s because of the environment he grew up in, but his behavior hasn’t really improved over the years.

When we were newly married, he was worse. Even when I was sick, he would say things like, “Have you made dinner yet?”

Last year, I had the flu and went to bed with a fever of 39 C. My husband bought dinner for himself at a convenience store and ate it without any consideration for me.

I could hardly move, so I called him on my cell phone and asked him to bring me a drink and some antipyretics.

When I talked to him about this after I got well, he said he thought I was sleeping and didn’t call out to me. I have tried to talk about this directly with my husband each time, but since I’m rarely laid up in bed, his cold response has not improved.

Can I change such a husband?

I, Chiba Prefecture

Dear Ms. I:

I believe that people learn what the others want them to do and how to be considerate of other people’s feelings as we grow up interacting with them. If you grow up just having someone else do everything for you, you will become a person who cannot do anything for others.

What about your husband’s behavior at work? He may be attentive and concerned about his reputation at work and self-centered at home, thinking that he needs to be taken care of because he is earning money.

To change your husband, you need to change your attitude toward him. If you don’t want him to act that way, tell your husband how you feel and what you want him to do.

Since he does not seem to be able to tell what he should do or sympathize with you when you are in pain, you need to specifically tell him what to do.

You can tell him how you wish he had asked you if you were okay even when you were sleeping or asked you if there was anything he could do to help you.

Your husband may think that, since you are in a medical profession, you can solve everything by yourself even if you get sick. He likely feels that he doesn’t have to do anything because you are so healthy and hardworking.

Junko Umihara, psychiatrist