I’m Turning 40 Soon and Still Unmarried, But I Desperately Want to Have a Child

The Yomiuri Shimbun

14:28 JST, November 5, 2023

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m an unmarried female company employee, and I’m turning 40 this year. I can’t give up on the idea of having children.

There have been some people I liked in the past, but things didn’t work out for marriage due to timing issues and other problems. I’m tired of looking for a husband, and I’ve come to think that I have to give up on marriage in view of my age.

That will also mean giving up on children, but I just can’t do that. I’ve always loved children, so much so that I majored in early childhood education at college.

This year, I used donated sperm in an attempt to get pregnant, but in vain. As I’m unmarried, it’s difficult to receive fertility treatment. Raising an adopted child also seems difficult for a single mother.

It would be ideal to marry a person I love and try to conceive, but I feel that the possibility of finding someone is hopeless. I even feel like I’ll be done with it all if I can’t become a mother.

Y, Tokyo

Dear Ms. Y:

You want children so much that you even feel like ending your life if you can’t become a mother. It’s a feeling that is difficult for many people to understand.

However, when I did interviews about fertility treatment in the past, I learned that there are a certain number of people who think that way. It’s also true that organizations that provide sperm donations receive requests from single women.

It seems like you’re not necessarily hung up on having a biological child because you’ve also considered adoption. However, it’s not feasible in Japan to become a parent as long as you’re unmarried. It’s also uncertain whether you’ll be able to have a child even if you get married in the future.

Taking into account what you’ve written, I’d like you to consider the foster parent system. Even if you’re single, you might be able to register at a local child consultation center as long as you meet the requirements. Your experience of having studied early childhood education would be an advantage.

In recent years, most children in need of protective care have biological parents. It’s reassuring for children who aren’t raised by their own parents for whatever reason to have adults who love them.

Although you might face difficulties in raising them, there are programs you can utilize when you need support and social gatherings for foster parents.

When I visited a foster family, I was impressed to see two children playing together like siblings.

Foster children might eventually return to their biological parents, but most children will leave their parents one day. Please consider this option as a form of family.

Hazuki Saisho, writer