I feel it is a great loss that I did not have a family

The Yomiuri Shimbun

12:14 JST, August 28, 2021

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a woman in my 50s and I’m a nursing care worker. I am seeking advice about my way of life.

I don’t have the desire to get married. I have had an on-and-off relationship for a long time with a married man and have had similar relations with other men. I think I get relaxation and vitality from the men. When I was in my 40s, my uterus was removed. The men left me like the tide ebbing. I’m not the type to cry over things, and I didn’t chase after them. I moved away and got a fresh start.

However, the other day my colleagues were talking excitedly about their grandchildren, and I had to leave the room. I’ve had two abortions. Neither man asked me to keep the baby. I think about how I would be now if I had given birth and am filled with regret. As I wonder about whether I should have had a family, I realize how big of a loss it is.

Although you may think this is all my fault, I’m struggling because I cannot change my feelings.

—I, Tottori Prefecture

Dear Ms. I:

You are aware of how alone you are. That is the cost of your extramarital affairs.

If you’re not worried about sticking with a blood relationship, it’s possible for you to still have a family. We live in an age in which cloned animals are born. It is not scientifically impossible to create a human that inherits our genes.

Although you say you realize the scale of your loss, you still have not lost it if you seriously desire it. Technology has progressed precisely because there are people who have such desires.

It is said that people die in the same way they lived. At this stage, there is probably no point in lecturing you on ethics. Because you are seeking advice about how to change your feelings, I want to answer by saying that fulfilling your desires is also a way of life.

If you have a family sometime in the future, one day you may be able to sit on a park bench watching your child play. There may be a time when you will enjoy a barbeque with all of your family members. On such occasions, you will surely experience happiness. The more it is true happiness and not a sham, the more you will feel that you don’t want anyone to take that happiness away from you.

My hope is that the day will soon come when you recognize how big a thing you have been taking away from others, rather than something that you lost.

—Hazuki Saisho, writer