My Mother-In-Law Is Inconsiderate and Doesn’t Help Us at All

The Yomiuri Shimbun

11:30 JST, October 19, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a female part-time employee in my 30s. I live with my husband, newborn baby and mother-in-law.

She used to live alone, but we decided to move in with her when I was pregnant because she was diagnosed with mild dementia.

She buys canned coffee drinks, snacks and other items at convenience stores almost every day. Since we don’t have to pay rent, we manage to make ends meet without receiving any living expenses from her. I’m frustrated that she buys whatever she wants despite the recent increase in prices.

Furthermore, she never even tries to buy anything for us.

She sometimes says that she was so overprotected that she became inconsiderate and uncaring about others. However, she doesn’t make any effort to change, which makes me frustrated and upset.

At the very least, I want her to pay some of our living expenses. How should I deal with such an inconsiderate mother-in-law?

F, Tokyo

Dear Ms. F:

Your mother-in-law seems to have become a carefree person who doesn’t notice when others need help.

Given the circumstances, I think you just have to accept her the way she is. You can be less considerate in return. Why don’t you try to not care about each other?

If she were considerate, caring for her might be more demanding and exhaust you. In the long run, it could be better to have a straightforward relationship with your in-law.

By the way, do you and your husband do household chores, such as cook, do laundry and clean her room? I don’t know how much you do for her now, but I’m sure you will have to do more for her in the future. You will also have to figure out nursing care when the time comes.

It seems unreasonable to try to do all these things just because you don’t have to pay rent.

First thing you should do is to look into rent prices and figure out how much rent you would pay for your current living situation. Talk to your family about the figure.

Then try to calculate all the work you do around the house for your mother-in-law and how much work you will do in the future when she needs nursing care. Depending on what you figure out, you may need to ask her to bear some of the living expenses.

If you don’t clear up these issues with your family, you will only feel more frustrated. Making objective calculations based on the labor you do around the house in terms of money might be one solution to your frustrations.

Yoko Sanuki, lawyer