I’m Dying to See My Grandchild, But My Daughter-in-Law is in the Way

The Yomiuri Shimbun

15:03 JST, April 27, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a man in my late 50s and work as an executive at a national university. I’m married and have two sons.

My older son, who is in his 30s, started dating an older woman and she became pregnant last year. I arranged a meeting between our families at a famous ryotei high-end restaurant. Of the woman’s family members, only her mother attended.

On the day of the meeting, my son overslept and arrived 50 minutes late. His fiance threw her engagement ring at him and yelled, “This is my answer!” Her mother had a grim expression on her face.

My son, my wife and I apologized to the fiance, but she was scathing in her reply.

“Should I drink and get rid of the baby?” she said.

Her behavior made the hands of one of the servers tremble.

Seeing my son be so feckless and the behavior of his fiance, I inadvertently said, “You’d better break up.” Her mother agreed.

Later, they got married and their child was born in autumn. I sent them wedding and baby gifts, but my son’s now wife won’t let me see my grandchild. She says she cannot forgive me for my remarks at the get-together.

I want to hold my first grandchild in my arms. What should I do to make our relationship congenial?

— H, location withheld

Dear Mr. H:

What a shocking way for two families to meet. I can understand why you opposed their wedding after the woman behaved badly enough that she made the server’s hands tremble.

Even her mother agreed with you. So why does she only begrudge you? And are these two — a woman who holds on to her grudges against you without thinking about her own misconduct, and a son who accepts that — enjoying a happy marriage? I have so many questions I want to ask.

On the other hand, I suspect there may be other reasons for her severing ties with you.

Forgive me if I am being rude, but you wrote that you work as an executive at a national university, that you arranged a meeting at a famous ryotei restaurant and that her mother was her only family member who came to the meeting. You may need to think back on whether you behaved like a dictator, perhaps by looking down on the woman and her mother, and consider whether you hurt their feelings without realizing it.

I can understand so well how much you want to hold your grandchild. However, even though you sent them wedding and baby gifts, it seems to be difficult to patch things up with them right away, now that the relationship between you and your son’s wife is so damaged. If you press them, you may harden the couple’s feelings against you.

But people’s feelings shift as time passes and things change.

For now, it’s probably best if you care for your son’s family from afar.

— Masami Ohinata, university president