I’m in My 80s And Recently Feel My Family Treating Me More Coldly

The Yomiuri Shimbun

11:00 JST, October 13, 2024

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a homemaker in my 80s living with my daughter, her husband and their two children.

I got divorced when my daughter was little and worked hard to raise her by myself. After my daughter got married and my first grandchild was born 28 years ago, I quit my job and started living with them.

At first, they were grateful, and things were nice. But as my grandchildren grew up and I grew older, I feel like my family started treating me more coldly.

My daughter has pointed out that I move slowly and forget things easily. When I struggle to talk and cannot explain myself well, my daughter sums up the conversation.

I’m still responsible for household chores, such as cleaning, laundry and making dinner. However, no one says “thank you,” and I’m unable to enjoy evenings with my family.

Sometimes, I feel so tired after doing chores during the day that I can’t stay awake and just stay in my room. I feel lonely every day with no sense of purpose. I feel more and more strongly that I want to die.

My daughter says that I should just enjoy the day and be energetic, but what I want most is to hear laughter and kind words from my family.

V, Kanagawa Prefecture

Dear Ms. V:

It has been 28 years since your first grandchild was born, which means you have been doing your best for your family for about half a century since your divorce. It must have been very hard for you.

As so much time has passed, the family has changed. Everyone has grown in their own way. Both your daughter and grandchildren must have changed, but I don’t think they are aware of these changes themselves.

This is because, no matter how much they grow up, they cannot get out of the mindset of relying on you as their mother and grandmother.

I can imagine that you are still trying to meet their expectations by doing chores as you’ve done for many years. But you are also changing.

You are not as strong physically or mentally, as you were 10 or 20 years ago. I’m sure that you find it difficult to do things more often than before. If your family doesn’t understand this, it will be hard for you and you will feel as if you have been left behind.

Why don’t you tell them more clearly about how you feel and what you can do? Tell them specifically what you can do just as you did before and what you can’t.

This will help your daughter and grandchildren better understand your needs and spend more time with you.

Yutaka Ono, psychiatrist