I’m a Care Worker But Can’t Bear Looking After My Mother at Home

The Yomiuri Shimbun

10:37 JST, September 22, 2024

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a woman in my 60s who works part-time as a caregiver. Last year, I started caring for my mother at home. She had previously been living in a special nursing home.

I thought I could take care of her if I reduced my work hours, used the nursing care insurance system and got people to help me. However, the reality of the situation has been a real wake-up call.

Unlike at my job, I can’t control my emotions when it comes to my mother. I end up using harsh words with her, and I even catch myself wondering how much longer she’s going to live.

It’s easy to wish for a healthy person to live forever, but when I see my mother, who is sick and in need of care, I sometimes wish she would die soon. I don’t think I would use violence on my mother, but the colder my heart grows, the more I loathe myself.

My sister and her husband are in poor health, so I can’t expect them to help out. I can’t die before my mother, but I sometimes wish I could.

We seem to live in an age in which people are living longer than they should. Is there something wrong with me for thinking like this?

— Z, Saitama Prefecture

Dear Ms. Z:

Even though you go to work as a care worker, your job continues at home with your mother. I think any expert would feel the same as you, regardless of their expertise.

You’re not cold or strange. It’s a very natural feeling, so please don’t blame yourself.

The care manager who helped me with my parents’ care told me that she left the care of her own parents to others. When only a mother and her daughter are involved, there tends to be too many emotions involved.

Is it possible for you to place your mother in a facility nearby? For a person like you, who was kind enough to take in her mother in the first place, I’m sure it will be difficult for you to make such a decision. But you can visit her regularly and let her know in advance when you’ll visit to put her mind at ease.

However, if you feel that you have no choice but to take care of her at home for the remainder of her life, please make sure that you have a place where you can get away from it all.

It might be chatting with a friend, getting a massage or going to a concert. Find a way to pamper yourself and relax with something special that allows you to completely forget about caring for your mother.

In my case, I felt better the moment I realized my mother was teaching me her final lessons about life.

No caregiving lasts forever. Please take good care of yourself.

— Hazuki Saisho, writer