I’m Wondering If I Should Continue to See an Ex Whom I Broke Up with 40 Years Ago

The Yomiuri Shimbun

11:00 JST, November 3, 2024

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a nursery teacher in my 60s. My husband passed away about five years ago and I currently live with my two daughters who are working adults.

When I was in my 20s, I dated a man and later broke up with him. Recently, I friended him on social media and we have been dating for nearly two years. Since we live far away from each other, he comes to see me once a month.

He has a wife who has been living separately from him for eight years. His wife asked him to live separately. He also has a child who is a working adult. He told me not to worry about his wife because she has no interest in him and they don’t interfere in each other’s lives. But I doubt that this is true.

As I get along with my daughters, I do not feel lonely at all in my life. However, he often sends me messages on the Line messaging app, probably because he lives alone and feels lonely.

He apparently does not intend to get divorced. I don’t want to marry him, but I’m still concerned about his wife.

I wonder if I should continue this relationship. My daughters do not know about him.

— N, Kyoto Prefecture

Dear Ms. N:

I can imagine how much the first reunion in almost 40 years made your heart pound. I have no intention to interfere with your love life, but it seems to me that you are a convenient woman for him.

Let’s be level-headed and think calmly about him. Even though he lives separately from his wife, you could be sued by his wife if you have a sexual relationship with him because it is an act of injustice. Even if you do not want to marry him, you should ask him to get things done properly if you both want to continue the relationship.

What matters is your future. As more people can live to be almost 100 years old now, you still have many years to live. Now, you have a job and live with your daughters, so you do not feel lonely. However, your daughters may leave your house for marriage or other reasons.

You should talk to him about the future for both of you. If he dodges the subject by saying something like, “I don’t want to think about it,” I recommend that you think of him as a friend with whom you sometimes have tea and that you don’t go deeper into the relationship.

If the two of you decide to enjoy your retired life together, you should go for it and make sure he gets divorced. By doing so, I am sure you will be able to live a fulfilling life, even if there may be some difficulties ahead.

— Masahiro Yamada, university professor