My Husband Is Overly Physically Affectionate toward Our Adult Daughter

The Yomiuri Shimbun

11:00 JST, May 21, 2023

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a woman in my 50s and work in the welfare services field. I’m concerned about my husband, who has been excessively interfering in our adult daughter’s life since he was transferred to an undemanding post and works more from home.

He is overly physically affectionate with our daughter, who is in her 20s. He touches her, calling it a massage, and forces her to hold his hand when they’re out in public. My daughter seems to go along with it to avoid putting him in a bad mood.

I used to tell him to stop when it made me uncomfortable, but as he would then yell at me, I’ve recently started pretending not to see anything.

More so than ever, I’ve been thinking about whether he is doing such things to our daughter when I’m not around, so that I can’t see it. Sometimes, I think that his relationship with her isn’t normal and it makes me sick.

After my husband turned 40, he started behaving and speaking in a way to push me away, so I don’t feel any love toward him. He is more forgetful these days, so sometimes I wonder if it’s related to dementia.

Is our family situation abnormal?

E, Tokyo

Dear Ms. E:

Is your husband someone who becomes uncontrollable when he’s in a bad mood? You say that your daughter seems to go along with it and you just pretend not to see anything anymore. I suspect there’s a reason why you two don’t stand up to him.

However, this is a time-sensitive issue. Don’t you think your daughter might be suffering alone since she can’t talk to you about it? She’s forced to hold her father’s hand when they’re out in public, right?

It’s not the time to be feeling disgusted by your suspicions about your husband’s relationship with your daughter. You should be more concerned about your daughter. It’s possible this isn’t something new.

It’s a difficult situation, but when the two of you are alone, ask your daughter if there is anything troubling her. She probably has not been able to confide in you out of her consideration for you as her mother, but you can tell her not to worry because you have already started considering getting a divorce.

If your husband is showing symptoms of dementia, it’s all the more necessary to quickly separate your husband from your daughter and save her from the hell she’s living in.

Gather your strength and tell him to stop, then consult a hospital advisory office or local elderly support center as soon as possible.

Hazuki Saisho, writer