I want to bring some meaning to my worthless life before I die

The Yomiuri Shimbun

11:01 JST, December 4, 2022

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a female student in my 20s, and I regret that I didn’t die earlier.

I hoped I would die when I was bullied during elementary school. I once tried to kill myself, but stopped myself after my mother told me that something good would surely happen if I kept living.

It’s been more than 10 years since my mother passed away. My father verbally abuses me and behaves violently against me.

I failed both my high school and university entrance examinations, and realized while looking for a job that no company wants to hire me. I don’t believe my life can improve from now.

Though I once considered giving up on life, I’ve matured since my suicide attempt, so I don’t have the energy to impulsively act. I’m now more scared of dying.

I can’t contribute anything to society, and I have continued living only to die. Is there a way for me to continue living while accepting everything in my life?

If I continue to live, I want to die after having lived a meaningful life.

Y, Hyogo Prefecture

Dear Ms. Y:

Nobody in this world can avoid their death. I think you have been conscious about this point more deeply than other people because your mother died when you were young. You probably hoped to join your mother, but I think you understand that she is not there.

You also seem to fully understand that your father’s verbal abuses and violent acts are from the trauma of losing his wife when he was young.

You hope to find a way in which you can live while accepting everything in your life. You probably want to follow your mother’s advice when she said something good would happen if you keep living through hard times.

I have heard a story from another person who tried to commit suicide. When they were about to do it, a telephone rang and they unconsciously answered the call.

It was a call from a friend who thought there was something wrong. The person thought that answering the phone call was a sign that they might have actually wanted to continue living.

The person told me that since then they have continued to live to this day. Now, this person works as a pastor and receives consultations from distressed people.

You say that you want to live a meaningful life because you will die sooner or later. With this realization, there will be a job only you can do.

You surely will see the hard times you went through as preparations for the goal. Your existence in this world right now is significant.

Hazuki Saisho, writer

(From The Yomiuri Shimbun, Nov. 7, 2022)