My Husband is Extraordinarily Strict with our Daughter, Who is Struggling in School

The Yomiuri Shimbun

11:31 JST, December 21, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a part-time worker in my 40s. I have a husband the same age as me, a daughter in junior high school and a son in elementary school. I hate how extraordinarily strict my husband is with our daughter.

My husband has a good education and is socially successful, but he tends to look down on others. His methodical nature clashes badly with the easygoing personality of our daughter. Since she was little, he has been saying to her things like, “Be quiet,” and “Speak logically.”

In addition, my daughter is not doing well at school due to a medical condition she has had since before entering junior high school. So he abuses her verbally, saying things like, “If you don’t study, you won’t get a decent job and you’ll have a miserable life,” and “If you don’t make an effort, I won’t pay your tuition.” If my husband won’t pay, I intend to cover the tuition myself.

My husband is a very proud man, and it’s difficult to have a discussion with him. But he said to himself the other day about my daughter’s condition, saying, “But she is not lazy. She’s essentially a diligent worker.” My daughter is hurt, but she speaks to me honestly. How should I deal with my husband and daughter from now on?

— O, Tokyo

Dear Ms. O:

Children desperately seek their parents’ love, and having that need met allows them to feel happy and secure as they grow up. This fundamental truth remains unchanged throughout childhood and adolescence. And now that your daughter is old enough to sense the reason behind her father’s exceptional strictness, imagine how much pain she must be feeling.

Your presence is her greatest source of comfort. Please keep telling her, “You’re fine just as you are. I’ve always been on your side, and I always will be.”

On the other hand, your husband’s obsession with academic credentials and social status, tendency to look down on others and inability to accept your daughter as she is may come from him being influenced somehow during his own upbringing by the idea that education and social standing are paramount.

People’s values and what matters to them in life vary from person to person. If there is one thing everyone has in common, it is that we all nobly strive to live life to the fullest in our own way. This is exactly what you are doing by trying to work hard with your daughter to get through life. Although it may take time, I hope your husband will come to recognize this.

Making your husband more aware of your daughter’s current situation could potentially change his attitude. Please make efforts to share what you know.

Furthermore, ensure your husband shares the burden of educational expenses. You must not allow him to abandon his parental responsibilities toward his daughter.

— Masami Ohinata, university president