My Son Quit His Job, Remains Hikikomori; Husband, Wife Disagree on How Best to Handle Situation

The Yomiuri Shimbun

11:09 JST, October 5, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a male company employee in my 60s. My son, who is in his 20s, had a job once but quit it, and now he lives as a recluse. He no longer speaks to anyone in our family, and there are no signs that he’s looking for a job. He has been like this for two years.

When I’m not working, I look up various information online about people who have withdrawn from society. I’ve come to the conclusion that we should let him work it out on his own and give him some space — for now.

My wife, on the other hand, is desperate to get him out into the real world somehow. She has been trying to get him to attend seminars for shut-ins and thinking about getting him a part-time job. My wife and I have different opinions, and we often get into huge fights. I’m exhausted by her overreactions.

How should I communicate with my son going forward?

— U, Kanagawa Prefecture

Dear Mr. U:

I understand you must be worried about your son having been confined at home for the past two years. However, you didn’t mention at all why he quit his job. Have you ever spoken with him about things like whether the work was too demanding, if it didn’t suit him or if he maybe got hurt in his workplace relationships?

Leaving him alone is not the same as accepting his situation and leaving it to him to handle. Neither leaving him alone nor forcing him to live a certain way will have a positive impact on his life.

Without someone who understands him or offers a helping hand, he may feel alone and no longer want to talk to his family.

I’m sure you’ve had experiences communicating with younger employees on the job. When they’ve lost motivation or gotten hurt due to poor communication, how did you respond?

You must have reached out and offered them support instead of leaving them alone. Why not try to sit down and talk with your son as an adult again and be someone he can feel comfortable talking to?

The goal isn’t to get him out of the house, but rather to help him live a life that suits him, isn’t it?

— Junko Umihara, psychiatrist