My Sister Lost Her Child 2 Years Ago and I Still Don’t Know What to Say to Her

The Yomiuri Shimbun

16:22 JST, September 28, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a homemaker in my 30s. My older sister had two children, but two years ago, her younger son died suddenly when he was 5 months old.

I was so shocked and saddened that I didn’t know what to say to her, and we didn’t talk for a while.

We finally reconnected, and her older son and my child, who are close in age, enjoy playing together.

My sister still hasn’t been able to tell her older son that his brother died, instead telling him that he is in the hospital. My nephew doesn’t seem to ask about his brother anymore, but I don’t think he has forgotten him.

When I’m with them, I pretend as if nothing happened. But the truth is, whether I talk about her younger son or avoid the subject entirely, it is incredibly painful.

It is also hard seeing my nephew, who believes his brother is still alive.

I don’t think I can leave things as they are, but I can’t bring myself to ask my sister how she feels.

How do I act around my sister and nephew?

— S, Nara Prefecture

Dear Ms. S:

When I talked to a psychiatrist who helps families of accident and disaster victims, one thing in particular left a strong impression on me.

The psychiatrist said that mothers who have lost a child believe their grief can never be understood, even by their own family. It is impossible to compare people’s grief, but this made me realize how profound and enduring the loss of a child truly is.

You said you have finally been able to reconnect with your sister. It’s great that you were able to wait patiently all this time.

There will be ups and downs in the future, so it is probably best to take things slowly and wait for your sister to get in touch with you.

It’s up to your sister and her husband whether they tell their son. He may unexpectedly hear about his brother from someone else, and if that happens, there is nothing that can be done.

Your sister and her husband will likely explain it to him when he’s older. I know this is painful for you as well, but your sister will need more time before she can even begin to consider your grief.

Even though you are sisters, this is a realm where you cannot enter. Keep your desire to know how your sister feels to yourself.

Just be ready to accept whatever happens, and if she needs help, be ready to give her your full support.

— Hazuki Saisho, writer