I’m Frustrated with My Mom Friend’s Husband Who Doesn’t Help with Childcare

The Yomiuri Shimbun

14:07 JST, September 28, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a woman in my 30s who is raising three children. A mom friend whose children go to the same nursery school as mine became pregnant with her third child.

She seemed to be having a hard time taking care of her children by herself, so I offered to help in different ways, like looking after her children when she felt unwell in her final month of pregnancy.

However, I learned the real reason why she was struggling — her husband refuses to change his lifestyle in any way from what it was like before their marriage. This frustrates me.

Even though my friend also works, I’ve heard that her husband sleeps until early afternoon on his days off and goes out for his hobby of futsal. He also isn’t eager to play with his children.

Even now I help her occasionally, so I find myself wishing her husband would change his mindset a little.

My frustration might stem from how I felt empty after helping her. Even though I initially helped because I thought her husband must be busy with his demanding work, I realized that I ended up enabling him to have it easy.

Since this is another family’s issue, should I stop accepting requests for help?

— R, Tokyo

Dear Ms. R:

I can understand your regret and frustration from helping a mom friend out of goodwill but coming to believe you might have supported her husband’s self-centered behavior.

Although her claim of looking after her children by herself may be true, you don’t really know the full picture as you haven’t heard both sides of the story. Many issues concerning a married couple or family are understood only among those involved. It is extremely difficult for a third party, even a professional, to give appropriate advice on such matters.

Let’s return to the starting point. You were asked for help by your friend, not by two of them as a couple. Or perhaps you offered your support for her sake. If you want to continue being friends with her, why not keep helping her as much as possible just as before?

Regarding their marital relationship, it seems wiser to just offer advice and not expect her husband’s behavior to improve. By doing that, I think you can avoid being unnecessarily stressed out.

However, if you suspect the possibility of abuse such as domestic violence or suspect she is suffering physically or mentally, you should put her in contact with an organization that specializes in such issues, rather than offering her advice casually.

I hope you will nurture your relationship with your friend further.

— Naoki Ogi, education commentator