I Can’t Forgive My Husband for Cheating on Me When We Were Engaged

The Yomiuri Shimbun

11:40 JST, September 21, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a female company employee in my 50s. I’ve been married for 35 years, been blessed with a child and a good career, and I lead a happy life.

My child is now married, so now it’s just me and my husband at home. As I was looking back on my life, I recalled something that occurred when my husband and I were engaged.

Three months before we tied the knot, my husband told me that he was also seeing another woman. I loved my husband and was afraid of losing him, so I decided to marry him anyway.

At the time, I didn’t ask him about the details of that relationship. But when I pressed him about it recently, I was stunned to learn that they had dated for two years. I went out with my female friends often and completely trusted him.

My husband tried to brush off my concerns by insisting the other woman was “just a fling” and that I was “always his No. 1.” But even now, it makes me so sad I cry.

My husband said that what happened in the past can’t be changed and that he doesn’t want me to bring it up, especially since he has been such a devoted husband since we got married. I bring it up pretty frequently, but my husband said he “can’t take it anymore.”

How can I sort out my feelings?

— L, Kyoto Prefecture

Dear Ms. L:

You are fixated on something that happened more than 35 years ago.

You got married, have a child, a career and a good life. So why are you now so obsessed about something that happened when you were engaged? It might be because a lot of the information is something you have heard for the first time, so maybe you feel as if it happened yesterday.

Over the years, I think your husband has experienced many things, grown as a person and earned the trust of those around him. Don’t you think it’s fair to say he is a very different person from the young man who was cheating on you 35 years ago?

Your husband has shared those experiences and his growth with you. I’m sure there are many things about him that only you know. Aren’t those much more precious and important than what happened when you were engaged?

You seem to have many female friends. Maybe you can go on a long vacation together or go to events featuring your favorite artists? Turn your attention elsewhere and let go of your obsession with what happened.

In the not-too-distant future, there will come a time when you need to deal with old age and illness. When you reach that stage in life, a husband and wife gradually become more like companions.

I hope you both take care of each other and will become gentle, good-natured companions.

— Yoko Sanuki, lawyer