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I’m a part-timer in my mid-50s. My son and his wife had children whom I had been taking care of whenever they needed me to.
I myself didn’t like having my mother-in-law look after my children. So when my first grandchild was born, I intended to keep myself at a distance from them and my nose out of their business.
However, when my daughter-in-law became pregnant with their second child, she was hospitalized with threatened preterm labor. I changed my full-time job to a part-time one and started working less so that I could take care of my grandchildren.
We’d gotten along well. We were like friends, going out for lunch and doing other things together. A few months ago, however, I sent her a text message as a joke that said, “That means you’re abusing your kids, doesn’t it?” and it apparently upset her.
Since then, she has given me the cold shoulder. My son said he wants me to apologize to her, but I’m not convinced that I should.
I used to see my grandchildren three times a week but now I don’t. I feel lonely and can’t stop crying.
Is this just a symptom of menopause? Would an apology bring our relationship back to how it used to be?
P, Saitama Prefecture
Dear Ms. P:
It’s said that the closer hedgehogs get to each other, the more their needles hurt. I think your problem is the distance you keep in your relationships.
With your first grandchild, I think you kept your relationship “at a distance,” as you put it. However, when your second grandchild was born, you made the decision to change your lifestyle and stopped working full-time.
Changing your lifestyle for the sake of someone else — even a family member — means that you subconsciously feel closer to that person and have unilaterally chosen to shorten the distance between the two of you.
You are interacting with your daughter-in-law at your own distance, but she still feels the distance she had with you in the past. I don’t think she took what you meant as a joke in that way.
You are still in your 50s. You are too young to live your life just taking care of your grandchildren. You can build a sound relationship with your daughter-in-law if you enrich your own life, such as by taking on more jobs, and help to care for your grandchildren in your spare time.
As for the misunderstanding, I suggest that you apologize: What you meant as a joke ended up hurting her feelings. After that, you should keep your distance from her. You can restart your relationship if she contacts you.
