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I’m a female pharmacist in my early 30s. I would like to ask for advice about my mother, who is in her late 60s and lives with me.
She is usually cheerful and we get along very well. However, she instantly becomes agitated and out of control when she doesn’t like something or has a different opinion from me or my father.
She will yell, “I’m going to get out of here” and try to leave, so my father will chase after her. I then withdraw my opinion and go along with what she says. This is the usual pattern of behavior.
The other day, I said to her: “I’m grateful to you for raising me and even making me a pharmacist. I want to be independent and live by myself.” She became very upset and said: “Are you abandoning your parents? You leave home when you get married. I raised you, but now you don’t want me. The past 30 years have been a waste.” She pulled out a kitchen knife and made a big fuss, saying, “I’m going to die.” I can’t discuss anything with her.
My younger brother left home and found a job in another prefecture. Should I ignore my mother and do the same thing? I love my mother and want to understand her, but I don’t know what to do.
— D, location withheld
Dear Ms. D:
You are troubled by your mother’s lack of emotional control. You haven’t provided much information about how long this has been going on, what triggered it, or if your home life has always been like this. How often does your mother have these emotional outbursts?
You write that your mother is usually cheerful and you get along well with her. If there are times when she feels emotionally stable and can discuss things properly, I think you and your father need to tell your mother that her bouts of anger are not normal.
In any case, a situation that could lead to someone taking out a knife requires medical intervention.
If your mother didn’t behave in this way before, it is even more advisable to seek medical attention, since there may be an invisible illness such as early dementia or a mental disorder that begins in the early stages of old age.
I imagine you are also burdened with the desire to leave your home, the stress of trying not to disturb your mother’s emotional state, and your own work.
I recommend that you seek appropriate medical care first from a family doctor or other medical professional. You and your father should not deal with your mother by yourselves.
