How Do I Tell My Son About His Estranged Father?

The Yomiuri Shimbun

10:15 JST, January 12, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a doctor in my early 40s and a mother of a 3-year-old son who does not know his father. We divorced because he had an affair while I was pregnant.

My son seems to understand that there is no father in our home.

When I watch TV with him or read him a picture book, there’s sometimes a scene with a father, which makes me feel bad.

So far, he hasn’t asked me, “Why don’t I have a dad?” But I think eventually he will ask me that question.

I always wonder how I should answer that question, and it fills me with distress.

I think it’s probably best to speak with him and answer the question in a way that is easy for him to understand.

Please give me advice on how I should tell him what happened.

R, Tokyo

Dear Ms. R:

I believe one of the important things to bear in mind for a happy life is to be thankful for what you have and not to trouble yourself over what you lack.

Single parents tend to worry that their children will be affected by the fact that their household doesn’t have both parents in the picture. Divorced parents, in particular, often feel guilty that they are depriving their children of a parent.

Yet I believe you chose to get a divorce after carefully thinking it through. You must have reached your limit in terms of living with your ex-husband.

If so, then don’t look back. Treat each day you’re able to spend with your son as special.

You’re worried that someday your son will ask you why his father isn’t around. But children are observant when it comes to their parents. You should trust that he would never hold a grudge against you but rather thank you for working hard to even take on the role of a father.

Even if you and your ex-husband had conflict during your divorce, you should tell your son that he is the result of both his parents’ love. This is something you should keep telling your son, even if it might be different from the truth.

Sometimes a lie is necessary for a child to go on living with a positive outlook.

Masami Ohinata, university president