My High-School-Aged Daughter Ignores Me. Should I Push Her to Talk to Me?

The Yomiuri Shimbun

11:30 JST, December 15, 2024

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a male office worker in my early 50s. My daughter, who is in high school, has recently stopped responding to me when I talk to her. She speaks normally with my wife but looks unhappy when I join their conversation.

When she was in elementary and junior high school, we talked about school and music, but she started to ignore me after she entered high school. Recently, she began wearing earphones when I get home. I don’t know why she’s doing all these things.

She once told me that she doesn’t like the sound I make while eating, so I’ve been trying to be as careful as possible.

I can talk with my son, who is older than my daughter, as I always have, but she won’t even tell me necessary information.

I’ve heard this happens when children go through their rebellious phase and daughters would hate their fathers one day, but should I just accept this situation? Should I tell her that it’s OK if she doesn’t want to talk to me about private matters but that she should at least tell me things I might need to know?

My wife says that our daughter will hate me even more if I force her to talk to me. She also tells me that I shouldn’t care and shouldn’t talk to her. I’m wondering if that would be the right thing to do as a father.

Q, location withheld

Dear Mr. Q:

The relationship between parents and children during adolescence tends to be fraught with turbulence. On the surface, they may appear to be rebellious, but this is because they are frustrated as they are physically and mentally unstable. However, that is normal during this time. This frustration can then be turned toward their parents.

In particular, since fathers and daughters are not the same sex, daughters tend to display hostility toward their fathers for reasons even they cannot understand. You may feel lonely and confused, but it’s important to be patient.

It’s important to remain calm and firm without showing discomfort or trying to please your daughter. During adolescence, children may face the dilemma of wanting to de-pend on their parents but not being able to do so. It is necessary to give them space, so they feel comfortable talking to you if something happens.

It seems that your wife has a good relationship with your daughter. It is also important for your daughter to see your wife caring for you. Is everything OK in that regard?

If your daughter can trust her parents’ relationship, her attitude will get better with time.

Even if you don’t have actual conversations with her right now, I hope you will keep talking to her by saying, “Good morning,” “Thank you” and “How are you?”

Conversations with family should not be about only giving necessary information. Keep casually talking to her the same way you would talk to any other member of the family. I think showing such an attitude is important for parents of children going through puberty.

Masami Ohinata, university president