I Have Four Sons And Hate Myself for Scolding Them

The Yomiuri Shimbun

11:00 JST, December 8, 2024

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a company employee in my early 40s and the father of four boys: one in the first year of high school, one in the first year of junior high school, one in elementary school and one in preschool.

I used to raise my sons with a smile. But since the eldest entered junior high school a few years back, I’ve scolded him and the second-oldest more often about studying and their attitudes.

My oldest, who attends a private high school, wants to study abroad while he is in high school. But he stays up late playing video games, and I don’t think he has good study habits.

I spend a lot of money on school fees for my oldest son, cram school for my second and lessons for my son in elementary school. Now I have to worry about making enough money for my oldest to study abroad.

As my oldest son has not shown he is working very hard to achieve his dream, I once told him something thoughtless.

I said: “If you’re not doing everything you can to learn English, it’s just a vacation, not studying abroad. I don’t have the money to send you on an overseas vacation.”

I understand saying something like that will only discourage him from learning. However, I can’t help but get angry. Every time I yell at my sons, I hate myself for it. The family atmosphere is getting worse and worse.

I, Hyogo Prefecture

Dear Mr. I:

You are trying very hard to help raise your four sons. And your two older sons are adolescents, which make things even more challenging. It’s only natural you feel irritated.

Your oldest son has shown no enthusiasm for studying, even though he wants to study abroad. I can understand why you’re angry about his attitude since you’re the one who has to scrape together the money.

However, your children are not you, and you can’t force them to be what you want them to be.

It may be asking for too much of your eldest son for him to have a clear image of how he needs to prepare before he studies abroad and for him to follow through on this. Instead, he will probably realize many things once he starts studying overseas and has many experiences.

However, it could be good to ask him what he really thinks. Ask him what he wants to accomplish by studying abroad and what he’s doing to achieve that goal.

You need to have a heart-to-heart talk and tell him your concerns and what you expect from him as his father. These types of conversations are something only you can have with your teenage son.

If you and your son understand each other better, and you don’t expect too much from him, I think you will start to feel less angry. And it will be nice if you can apologize to your sons when you take things too far.

I’ll be rooting for you.

Naoki Ogi, education commentator